A few nights ago I was walking home from an event and I decided to stop in an internet cafe to check my e-mail. It's a place I go often, and I am usually not bothered since it is dark and most of the men are looking at dirty Web sites anyway. (Yes, in front of everyone.)
I was almost done with my session when the guy next to me asked if he could try to e-mail me a music file. He told me that he kept trying to send it to his friend,
but it kept getting returned. I said sure, typed in my e-mail adddress, and sure enough, it went through. This guy told me that he was a musician.
"I wrote the song," he said. "Make sure to LISTEN TO THE WORDS."
The song was okay, but I told him that it really needed a bassline. Hey, I'm no slouch when it comes to music appreciation.
I left the cafe and thought nothing of the guy until I got this e-mail from him this morning. Please note that this guy has the word "liar" in his e-mail address and calls me a "healthy, full-figured, woman." Um, I'm a size 8. Chesty, yes, but still an 8.
Fellas, if you want a woman to loathe you for the rest of your life, call her full-figured. Please note, though, that the following women can be considered full-figured: Oprah Winfrey, Delta Burke, Mo'Nique, etc.
The follwing women may not: Pauline Millard.
Please make a note of it.
While you're at it, file this e-mail under "How Not to Get a Woman to Have a Drink With You."
***
your so cool to let me email you like that.i was
sincere about my computer problem though.but i really
did injoy talking to such a healthy ff. women.and
temted to ask you for a drink or so...well just
listen even more to my music again the same way
loudley eq..with head phones to get it in your head
,and listen to my words ,i write to thanks ...
****
3 comments:
Pauline,
You are only scratching the surface on the infinite ways that a man can make a woman not want to drink with him. Besides the obvious: never scratch any surface unless invited, here are a few things men should avoid:
Do not put yourself in situations where police artist renditions of your face are prominently displayed on television, newspapers, post offices, or victim support websites.
It is only allowable to use a pickup line like “I’ll see your cleavage and raise you one”, if there was a poker reference preceding that.
Although it is ok to tell a woman that she is beautiful, it is not advisable to tell her which parts you like best.
If the television above the bar is showing the Eastern European woman’s shot put championships, never tell a woman that she looks just like the Prussian.
Make an effort to groom yourself before leaving your house. Gravy stains and noxious odors might be a sign of virility and manly prowess in some cultures but this is not one of them.
However fascinating your life experiences may be, you should always direct the conversation towards her. Displaying concern and sympathy about her lost pet or unhealthy work environment shows that you are a sensitive caring individual. You can show her your true shallow self later.
Exude confidence but not arrogance. It is ok to be secure within your own skin but you do not want to make her want to crawl out of hers.
Star Trek trivia is rarely a turn on.
While drinking with a woman, do not drink more than your metabolism can handle. Once the two of you are drinking, it would be a shame to waste it by getting drunk and stupid. Woman are far more likely to find that a turnoff than you would be if the situation were reversed.
Always remember that the woman is the decider. Much like our Decider in Chief, her decisions will not always be based on sound logic or reason, but logic and reason are probably not what you are looking for.
Having to read the grammar and spelling in that e-mail would have been painful enough for me to want to drink alone.
Sorry you had to encounter just a freak.
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